Virtual Birth Art Gallery

I have been privileged to have a couple pieces of my birth art added to Rachel Leavitt's Journey of Birth blog. She has put together a wonderful virtual gallery of artwork that speaks volumes about the journey of pregnancy and birth. Visit her blog here: Journey of Birth. Thanks for the invitation, Rachel! :)

Perimenopause

I am experiencing fluctuations in my cycle now. It is inevitable... I'm on the far side of 45. I am still recording my temperatures every morning, watching the inevitable change that will happen.

It makes me profoundly sad.

Yeah, I know it is a normal part of life... I don't have a problem with that. I am profoundly sad that I will never feel another butterfly flutter inside. I am sad that I won't ever be able to see my belly grow and ripen with the progression of a baby. I am sad that I won't get kicked in the ribs again... from the inside. I am sad that I won't ever feel those overwhelming surges that propel that baby out of my uterus and into my arms. I am sad that I won't ever ease a baby out again and cuddle them, all covered in birth goo. I'll never see those newborn eyes staring into mine for the first time.

Pregnancy and childbirth has been a big part of how I defined myself as a person. I'm good at being pregnant. I'm good at giving birth. I'm good at nurturing babies. Who will I be now that I can't do that?

I admit that part of me is ready to move on... my youngest is almost three. I've been breastfeeding for more than 18 years. That part of me is ready to move from mother to wise woman. But so much of me is not. Guess this is just a part of the journey. I will let my instincts lead me through it, as I have learned to trust them through mothering.

Reiki and Birth Trauma

Many of us birth under less than ideal circumstances. Some of us suffer terribly at the hands of "care givers" who don't see us as intelligent adults who can make our own decisions. We are mere vessels to manipulate until a child is extracted. Women who end up with these experiences often carry the emotional scars of these experiences forward with them and they color everything in their lives. When these women are expecting another child, these feelings may come to the forefront again and cause fear around the impending birth.

Reiki can help. With a compassionate ear and reiki flowing, the practitioner offers no judgments as a mother tells her story. Reiki is a smart, healing energy. It goes where it is needed. It brings release and healing. Within a few sessions, a mother to be can be better prepared to accept her next labor challenge, having let go of the traumatic emotions associated with her last birth. All that is left are memories and an acceptance of the past.

Does it sound too good to be true? It's not. Some women can resolve their issue with only a few sessions. Others need several sessions that may run from 30 to 60 minutes or more. In between sessions, she processes the thoughts and feelings that each session brings up.

I can do these sessions in person or over the phone for those not close enough to come in person. I offer a sliding scale so everyone can get assistance with these painful issues, no matter what their circumstances. If you want to know more about this service, post a comment and I will be in touch.

What No One Tells You About Birth... My Version

We picked up an issue of FitPregnancy recently. Inside was an article entitled "What No One Tells You (But You Need to Know) About Birth. I know this is a mainstream magazine, but sheesh.

Three of the tips mentioned epidurals. Five mentioned cesareans. One mentioned broken blood vessels in her face... from all the purple pushing, no doubt. One mentioned how embarrassed they were that they had a small bowel movement while pushing out the baby. Two mentioned episiotomy.

What do I see wrong with this article? Even though I freely admit I am NOT mainstream in any way, shape or form, I used to be. I admit I had a cesarean. I had two epidurals. I had an episiotomy. I learned my lesson after 4 births of hospital protocols. But I still see problems with this article.

No one mentions doulas as an alternative to an epidural. Studies show that the presence of a doula can reduce the number of epidurals AND cesarean sections because Mom gets the constant, caring support she needs.

While I don't particularly feel comfortable performing bodily functions in front of others either, the whole "eww gross" attitude that we actually have bodily functions bothers me to no end. When will we admit that people actually can smell like people instead of flowery deodorant? When will anyone admit that they pass gas at inopportune times, or that baby helped clean out your bowels on the way out? Not our favorite moments in life, it's true... but it happens frequently. In fact, baby can actually pick up important immunities by passing so close... hmmm. Maybe that's why the vagina is located down there so close to the anus and not up by our belly button?

The fact that 1 in 3 women get cesareans today (or more in some hospitals), and another 1/3 get episiotomies even though studies have shown that episiotomies cause more damage than natural tearing is utterly amazing to me. What is wrong with easing the baby out? Your body will push the baby out whether you actively help or not, and taking a break and breathing through a few pushing contractions can actually give your perineum time to stretch around baby's head. Yes, it may be uncomfortable. They don't call it the "ring of fire" for nothing! However, letting your tissues stretch little by little prevents tearing.

The whole "eww factor" that many people seem to have today really gets to me. What will they do when baby has a messy diaper? When baby throws up what looks like more milk than they've eaten in a week? What will they do when their 4 year old throws up macaroni and cheese in the middle of the night? That last one is sure to get inward groans from me and fighting my own gag reflexes, but they can't help it. They didn't do it on purpose to make your life a living hell. Life is messy. If you're going to have children, it is time to get used to it.

Maybe we need childbirth classes that really teach what will happen in labor. Will people listen and understand?

Here is my version of what you should know before going into labor.

1. It will probably hurt. Some women are lucky and don't feel labor pain... whether this is because of reframing their perception of pain, or just sheer luck... I don't know. Either way, wish I had been them! For most of us... it will involve some intense pain. But it is only for a short time out of your entire life. Drugs will cross the placental barrier and your baby will get the drug just like you. Only your baby is much smaller than you, and they are not getting the baby dose.

2. Being active can actually help you cope with pain! It's true! I've done the beached whale syndrome in labor, and I've walked, rocked on a birth ball, leaned on a wall... anything that even remotely sounded good at the time. It helped! While the contractions were still intense in active labor and transition, I knew they were accomplishing something. I told myself every contraction I went through never had to be experienced again. In the midst of transition with its overwhelming feelings, I told myself that millions of women throughout history had done this exact same thing... and so could I. I could feel the baby moving down, so as uncomfortable as I was, I knew what was happening in my labor and could deal with it.

3. Your water may break before labor, during labor, just before baby is born, or it can be broken after baby is born in rare cases. All are normal. Having someone break your waters in early labor puts you on a clock that will lead to more interference with your labor.

4. You can do this! Women are strong! Our bodies are wondrously designed to bring life into the world. This is an amazing super power that women are blessed with!

5. Purple pushing (where you continue to push hard while someone counts to 10... slowly) is not only exhausting for you, but it deprives your baby of oxygen. There are only a very few instances when you want to push this hard, and they all involve situations when your baby is in distress and needs to be born asap. In a normal labor with a healthy mom and baby, exhaling while you push, shorter pushes and pushing only when you feel the urge will let baby be born gently and you will stretch better instead of tearing. By the way, an episiotomy is like cutting a piece of fabric a few inches with the scissors. Try tearing it before making the cut. Pretty hard to do, isn't it? Now snip it and try to tear it again. It tears all the way down. Your perineum is the same way.

6. Once baby slips out, the pain is miraculously gone. Take the time to get lost in your baby's eyes... smell his or her head, still wet with birth goo. This helps your mothering hormones kick into high gear! Don't let society's "eww factor" come into play. Watch your baby... they will begin to lick and lap at your breast. This is an inborn instinct.

7. If breastfeeding hurts, baby is not latched on correctly! Baby needs to open wide and take in as much of the areola as possible. Their tongue needs to be under the nipple and over their bottom gum line. Don't let them clamp down ON the nipple. The nipple should be taken deep into their mouth along the roof of their mouth.

8. Sleep when baby sleeps! Don't take that precious time and clean the house or update your blog. Get as much rest during your babymoon as possible to get you and your baby off to a good start.

I have a zillion more tips... so more later. :) In the meantime, visit our site, http://organic-birth.com for more tips and advice.

Spreading the Word

I've been thinking a lot about homebirth. With all the new movies out featuring homebirth like "Business of Being Born," "Orgasmic Birth," and "Pregnant in America," it is becoming front page news.

Instead of just a human interest story about a baby born "too quickly to get to the hospital... luckily they were both checked out by the doctor and are both fine," homebirth is being discussed, dismissed, considered and legally fought for.

This is good.

What else can we do to spread the word? More women need to learn that we are strong. We don't need to be saved from birth. We can birth our own babies.

We certainly don't need to add to the amount of cesarean sections. They can be life-saving, it's true... but does anyone really think that 1/3 of American women CAN'T have a baby without it being cut out of her? Really?

There is so much education to do. I don't really care where a woman chooses to birth. If she wants to be at home, fine. If she wants to be at the hospital, fine. But she should stand a good chance to have a natural birth in the hospital... not just a 2/3 chance.

What about educating the public about eating? Could it be that eating real food instead of the processed stuff we buy in boxes and in drive thrus can be contributing to women being overweight and diabetic? These are two major reasons for cesareans and why we are told "You must birth in the hospital!"

There is so much to do. Please share your ideas by posting comments. I want us to make a difference. I want my children's generation to feel confident in their body's ability to grow and birth their babies.

We need to start spreading the word.

A Birth from the Past

Today is my birthday. I don't know anything about my own birth. My mother was knocked out for her labor and birth and doesn't remember any of it. I was her first born child... she was 20.

Thirty-one years later found me in labor with my third child. He chose to be born on my birthday, even though he wasn't technically due for another week. This was my third hospital birth and second VBAC. We had a certified nurse-midwife, and we spent a long time walking around the hospital before retiring to the shower for the last part of active labor. We tried a birthing stool for awhile... I know it was working because I absolutely hated it and couldn't wait to get off of it! It felt so strange to feel the baby moving down like that. I wanted to lie down so much and everyone kept trying to keep me up. Once I finally laid down, I wriggled all over the bed. I think this was because the baby had been posterior, and he was finally turning. I opted for a half dose of fentanyl at 9.5 cm... but it really did no good at all. It didn't change my perception of my pain at all.

The CNM pulled so hard on my son we heard a large cracking sound. We were afraid his clavicle had broken... luckily it was okay. Our second son was born at 3:03 on the morning of my birthday. He is the best birthday present I've ever received. Now we look forward to sharing our day.

The Other Side of the Glass

I watched the trailer for this incredible new movie that will be coming out called "The Other Side of the Glass." This follows in the footsteps of some of the other recent films that highlight what birth could be and the problems with our current birthing care. "The Other Side of the Glass" however, talks about dads. That's right... our poor partners who sit on the sidelines worrying about the pain we're suffering through while birthing babies. At last, someone is giving dads the chance to talk about how our country's birth routines make them feel. I feel it is high time that dads got to weigh in on this.

Several of the men interviewed talked about how helpless they felt in the hospital while the doctors and nurses were doing unspeakable things to their wives and babies... how difficult this must be! I know my husband feels the need to protect me... yet during our hospital births he was forced to step aside as they tied me to machines, attached me to lines pumping me full of pitocin (without my knowledge or consent), and gave me injections of medications that ultimately led to a cesarean. He had to stand there and watch as they sliced me open to extract our oldest child. He followed her to the nursery for tests knowing that I had not even seen a glimpse of her yet... I had only heard her cry. How hard must that have been?

"The Other Side of the Glass" is going to open this door so we can hear how men feel about being forced to remain helpless to protect their nearest and dearest. I feel that fathers deserve as much respect as mothers. We are still having to fight for the right of mothers to birth the manner that is best for them and their babies. Now it is time for us to also fight for the rights of fathers to protect their families from unnecessary interventions and indignities.

Our accepted form of childbirth needs a massive overhaul to honor the rights and feelings of the parents and the child. Birth should be about them, after all... not about the doctors and nurses who are running the assembly line.

High Risk

Hi. I'm high risk. If I walked into an OB's office today to get prenatal care, I would be pushed to the high risk category faster than I could say "homebirth." Why? Well, let me count the ways.

Age

At age 44, I am definitely an elderly candidate for motherhood. Somehow when I hit the magical age of 35 I transformed from a healthy young woman to an elderly mother who needs constant surveillance and testing.

Parity

I have eight children. That makes me not only a multip, but a GRAND multip. Everyone knows that our uteruses can only handle a couple of kids, so when you get one as experienced as mine is, it is time to pull out all the stops, because when that baby comes out, my uterus will be so old and tired that it won't clamp down and I'll bleed to death.

VBAC

Once upon a time, way back in the early 1990s, I had a cesarean. Never mind about those seven vaginal births I've had since then.... I've just been lucky.

Large Babies

OMG! I have a history of large babies! Let's see... out of 8 children, half have been over 9 lbs! In fact, the largest was 10 lbs 11 oz! Well, that should have been a cesarean... if I'd come into the hospital like a good little patient, I'm sure they would have taken better care of me and sliced me open right then and there. I must have had Gestational Diabetes to grow such large babies...

Hmmph.

I don't see what my age has to do with anything. If I'm young enough to still conceive, then I'm young enough to grow and birth my babies. I'm healthy and I take care of myself. As for being a grand multip... I'm darn proud of my kids! They are responsible, courteous and bright individuals. I know the symptoms to watch out for regarding hemorrhage and I know how to stop the bleeding. As for VBAC... shouldn't seven vaginal births prove my uterus can not only handle pregnancy and birth, but it is darn good at it! And as for large babies... none have had any problems associated with gestational diabetes or anything else due to their size. Oh, and I did get tested for GD in most of my pregnancies... nada. Zip. No sign of GD. So there.

Pregnant women should be treated as individuals, not lumped into categories for the simplistic reasons of age, parity, baby size and uterine surgery. Every one of us is different. While one person may need extra precautions, the next person of the same age doesn't necessarily need the same precautions.

Likewise, hospital births are not the perfect solution for all of us. We survived as a species this long... but since there are so many reasons to classify us as high risk, how much longer will we last?

Standing Up for Our Rights

I'm a bit late in responding to the whole AMA and ACOG uproar... but I'm going to put in my two cents anyway. They insist the safest place to birth is in the hospital, yet 1/3 of all women birthing there end up with a cesarean, which increases the risk for complications and death. Another 1/3 end up with an episiotomy, a surgical procedure that has been proven to be unnecessary.

I have heard horror stories of how women are treated in the hospital while giving birth. They suffer at the hands of people who just don't care about them, their babies or the process of birth. How can that possibly be the safest place to be????

The AMA and ACOG are willing to create model legislation to make it illegal to birth anywhere else. Excuse me? They want to make it illegal to birth anywhere but in the aforementioned torture chamber?

Now I know that not every nurse and obstetrician contributes to scenes like I have learned about. Some are truly caring, wonderful people who try to do what is best for mothers and babies. But it sure seems that they are few and far between.

I certainly could not walk willingly into a hospital to give birth knowing that I'd have to fight for every little bit of freedom I may need to birth optimally. My first was a cesarean. One that probably could have been avoided if my CNM and the staff nurses had been willing to work with an inexperienced mother-to-be instead of pushing pain medications. But then, I may not be on the path I am today.

Women... stand up for your right to birth without intervention! While it isn't outlined specifically, it should fall under pursuit of happiness if nothing else.

Midwives... band together. Sue the AMA like the chiropractors did in the late 1970s for preventing them from practicing their trade.

We can do this. The AMA and ACOG are worried about midwifery and home births because more women are finding out they don't need to be treated like idiots and sliced open unnecessarily.

Gentle Birth is a Boon for Mom & Baby

I just took a webinar at consciouswoman.com by Sarah Buckley, MD. It was on the hormonal cocktail that happens during undisturbed birth. The hour and a half I spent listening to Dr. Buckley expound on what we, as mammals need to birth was amazing.

I'm no newbie to Dr. Buckley's work... I've read her book, "Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering" and have read her website as well. Unfortunately I missed her at the Trust Birth Conference... there were so many great sessions to choose from! This was the first time I've been able to hear her speak, however.

This hormonal cocktail doesn't happen the way it is supposed to in a normal hospital birth. Why? Because like other mammals, we need privacy, we need to feel safe and we need to feel unobserved. What do they do in the hospital? People come in and out constantly, we're in an unfamiliar place with strange people and smells, and we are under constant observation. Having birthed under those conditions, I know what it feels like. It is amazing we can birth at all! In fact, the one time my birth went quickly in the hospital was during my last birth, when everyone left the room except my doula, who was napping. While at the time I didn't appreciate being alone, my body sure did because I went from 5 cm to pushing in a very short time.

The hormonal cocktail that we get during undisturbed labor begins with oxytocin. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the love hormone, is present during orgasm, late pregnancy, labor, the immediate postpartum (when we have the highest levels ever) and when we breastfeed. Baby not only gets some of our oxytocin during labor, but she makes her own as well. High oxytocin levels immediately following birth allow mom and baby to fall in love and imprint on each other.

Endorphins also kick in, helping us deal with labor pain and to find pleasure in our baby. Ever wonder why we're willing to do this again and again? Endorphins make us feel good.

Catecholemines (epinephrine and norepinephrine) are excreted by our adrenal glands to initiate the fight or flight response. During labor, these hormones help us find the extra energy to push our babies out, and they initiate the fetal ejection response under optimal conditions. If conditions are not right, they may delay labor. Can you say "failure to progress?" FTP is one of the most common reasons physicians either perform cesarean sections or other interventions like breaking our waters, using vacuum extractors or cutting episiotomies.

Finally, prolactin kicks in. Sarah Buckley calls this the "tender mothering" hormone. It not only stimulates milk letdown, it helps us feel tenderness and caring for our newborn.

With an undisturbed, natural birth, both mom and baby are flooded with these hormones, helping labor to flow and birth the baby. They help us to bond with our new child and vice versa.

With a labor that is disturbed by others, we only get portions of this hormonal cocktail.

With a planned cesarean without any labor at all, we get even less. How will this affect us as parents? How will this affect our children as they adapt to life outside the womb and as they grow? Will it affect their relationships with others? What about when they are adults and having children of their own?

How much have we harmed the past couple of generations who never got undisturbed birth?

Choosy Moms Choose Cesareans Article

Time magazine just ran an article entitled "Womb Service: Choosy Moms Choose Cesarean." The article outlines the story of a psychiatrist who chose an elective cesarean because she was afraid of laboring and then requiring a cesarean anyway. It goes on to discuss how vaginal birth can result in incontinence and pelvic damage, while cesareans can result in respiratory problems for the baby. It ends with the hope that "perhaps more women will feel less defensive about making the same choice."

Excuse me? Cesareans are major abdominal surgery. I know. I've had one. And I certainly wouldn't have chosen to have it. I did labor and end up in surgery. At least at the time I felt I had done all I could to have my baby the way nature intended. Cesareans have more risk than just possible respiratory problems for the baby. Both mother and baby have a bigger chance of dying from a cesarean than from a vaginal birth. I guess that isn't important.

And vaginal birth doesn't equal incontinence and pelvic damage. Studies have shown that women of comparable age who did not birth vaginally (or even have children at all) had the same chance of developing incontinence as those who had birthed vaginally.

If I decide I want to get my appendix removed, I should just be able to schedule the surgery whether I need it or not, if cesareans should be just another choice. It shouldn't matter that my appendix is perfectly healthy, right?

I have a fundamental problem with the argument that many obstetricians put forth that an elective cesarean is just another birth choice. At the same time, they are putting down home birth and unassisted birth as not being safe. I still have less of a chance of dying if I have my baby home alone than if I opted to go under the knife. How is this "just another choice?"

Okay, I'm even willing to compromise here. If cesareans are allowed to be just another choice, then they should concede that homebirth is also just another choice and leave it at that. If the OBs are allowed to promote the "safety" of surgical birth and point out the "dangers" of homebirth, I should be able to do the opposite. Studies have shown that homebirth is as safe or safer than birthing in the hospital. At least you won't be given pitocin and drugs that will cause the baby to go into fetal distress at home.

What about if we actually teach women that labor is nothing to be afraid of? There's a unique idea. Labor is a natural function of a woman's body when it is time for a baby to be born. There, I said it. Having a baby is something we are designed to do. In fact, it seems to be a rather well-kept secret that women are actually good at having babies, too.

It sounds to me like instead of choosy moms choosing cesareans, it is uninformed moms, coerced moms and frightened moms who choose cesarean. Most women are not told all the risks of having a surgical birth. A cesarean can cause problems for future pregnancies if the placenta in a subsequent pregnancy implants over the scar. A cesarean can result in infection for mom and/or baby. Hemorrhage is common. The baby can accidentally get cut. The incision can open up during recovery. The baby can have respiratory problems. Post-surgical pain can last for several weeks, and recovery time is longer than with a vaginal birth. The list goes on and on.

All I can say is this choosy mom will choose to birth at home.

Our First Homebirth

Tonight marks the 9th anniversary of my first labor when I birthed at home. My 3rd daughter was born just before 5am on April 7, 1999 in the middle of the living room of the apartment we were living in after our housefire.

It was the most incredible experience. After gentle contractions all day long, I finally fell asleep around 9:30 pm, only to wake up at 2:30 am with strong contractions. My water broke soon after, and I kept a towel bunched between my knees as I called our midwife and a doula friend of ours. My husband awoke because of the noise I was making. He put together some quick homemade soup to cook while I labored and put on the music I had chosen. When the midwife got there, he helped her set up the tarp on the floor while I rocked back and forth on my birth ball. I thought of all the women in the entire world who labored with me that night. I drew strength from the fact that they were all feeling the same sensations as they labored to bring their babies into the world.

Soon I was pushing, and before I knew it, my husband was catching the newest member of our family. He felt her take her first breath, feeling the little airsacs in her lungs filling for the first time. My oldest daughter awoke just in time to see her little sister be born. Later, after the placenta was born and my second daughter woke up, we all sat around our newest baby and my oldest daughter cut the cord.

Our midwife made us a soft nest in the large beanbag couch we had, and tucked us all in before she left. Everyone fell asleep but me. I was so ecstatic over this birth. It had been intense, but I had birthed this child without the hospital, without medication, without beeping monitors. It was utterly amazing to be tucked in quietly with my entire family in the living room, holding my little one on my chest.

Birth works. Especially when we don't muck about with it. I had my proof in my arms.

Giving Birth

The terminology of birth gets to me sometimes. Women are not "delivered," we give birth. It sounds like we need to be saved from this most womanly of experiences. It really is disempowering and sad to hear our power removed from this most powerful of times. Giving birth is my passion, my life. If I am not the one doing it, I want to help others find this same elation, this same boundless sense of being.

My baby grows from a tiny seed deep within my body to an individual who is all their own. My baby signals when she is ready to leave that snug warm nest, and together we strive to bring baby forth.

My uterus tightens snugly around my baby, gently nudging her toward the world. My baby responds, pushing against the fundus with her feet, propelling herself closer to her first breath. Labor is a dance between mother and baby... an intimate ballet where mother moves to help baby do the pirouette through her pelvis and into the world.

To carry and bring forth life is a gift. To feel the butterfly flutters of a growing child within is pure happiness. To labor and birth a child is an expression of love.

Trusting Birth

What does trusting birth mean?

For some, it is a frightening thought. How could we possibly birth without doctors, nurses, surgical procedures, machines and hospitals? But if this is so, how did we get so far? Certainly we haven't always had access to cesareans, episiotomies, IVs and epidurals.

A mere 30 years ago, the cesarean rate was less than 10%. Now it is over 30%. We're still women. Our bodies haven't changed in 30 years. Why can't women successfully give birth today like our parents did?

The answer is that very few trust birth anymore. This is a terrible loss for humanity. We live in fear of a natural bodily function. We see it on television on reality birth shows. We hear it from our doctors who tell us that we are not capable of passing our babies through our pelvises without intervention. We hear from nurses that we won't be able to bear the pain. What else are women supposed to think?

Fortunately, some women are finding the light at the end of the tunnel. Some of us are spreading the word that birth is something we are built to do successfully. As my friend Karen Strange of Newborn Breath says, "Birth is designed to work in case no one is there."

I admit that nothing is perfect 100% of the time. Let's face it... what is? There will always be a very small percentage of births that do need that extra help... and that is what hospitals and obstetricians are for. They are designed to deal with the unusual situation. Normal birth is so boring for them they need to do interventions to make it interesting.

But for those of us who have a healthy pregnancy, all we need is to let our bodies do their thing. Pelvises spread to let babies out. Women who embrace labor and move as their body tells them to help their babies get in the right position to make their grand entrance.

Why do I trust birth? Because I've seen it work. I've lived it. I've done the labor dance and have been the first to touch my baby. I'm not a big person... yet I've birthed babies over ten pounds at home. I have embraced the pain, have felt the baby move from my belly and through my hips. It wasn't easy, but it was worth every minute. I have felt that delicious hormonal cocktail that floods a woman's body after the natural birth of a baby. Flooded with oxytocin and love for my newborn, I have experienced that incredible babymoon while getting to know this new little person.

Maybe my views are a little simplistic. I may not be quite as confident if I were the midwife in charge of someone else's birth. But maybe that is the point. Maybe we should take responsibility for ourselves. Even if we have an attendant, we should be able to make the decision to be responsible for the outcome. Maybe that is the real reason I trust birth. I'm okay with the responsibility.

Inner Knowing

Inner knowing. So many people discount that today. Yet you always hear after a plane crash or other disaster that people just *knew* something was going to happen, so they cancelled their ticket, or changed their plans. So many of us hear this little voice inside and discount its wisdom. Pretty soon, the little voice stops trying to get through to us, and we're left on our own to sink or swim.

So it is with birth. Deep within we know what to do. Our bodies know how to conceive a baby, grow a baby, and push out a baby. The baby knows what it needs to do to help itself be born. Yet again, so many of us don't listen. We hear horror stories, sign up for cesareans and epidurals... anything so we don't have to listen to our own body's wisdom.

We are told by the medical establishment that birth is dangerous. At any moment the baby could die. We could die. Come into the hospital and we'll make all the decisions for you. We'll poke you with needles, fill you with pitocin to create tetanic contractions that will send your baby into distress, which will be picked up by our electronic fetal monitors that send sound waves into your uterus to aggravate your baby. What, it hurts? We'll give you this nice epidural so you don't need to feel a thing. Nah... we PROMISE it won't hurt your baby. Now that your baby is in distress, we'll hasten his birth. If it will take too long for a vaginal birth, we'll just roll you into the OR and cut him out. If you get an infection, that's okay... we'll load you up with lots of antibiotics to try and clear it up.

Hmmmm. Sounds inviting, doesn't it? I've had four hospital births, and while all of them were not that extreme, the general theme was the same. If I had a valid reason for birthing there, that would be a different story, but I was a healthy pregnant woman with a healthy baby each time I went there. The first time, I got that lovely cesarean package. My precious baby was lifted out of me behind a drape and I didn't see her until my incision was almost completely repaired. Oh, and I got the bonus of having the epidural wear off AFTER they strapped me down to the OR table, but BEFORE the cesarean took place while they searched for the anesthesiologist. I don't remember anyone being in the room with me... if they were, they certainly didn't respond to my overwhelming urge to push while my legs were tied together and my arms were strapped down. My inner knowing was trying to kick in... and I was trying to listen... but was unable to.

My last hospital birth happened with my second daughter. No meds. Almost no doctor... she rushed in at the last moment when my doula screamed down the hall to the nurse that the baby was crowning. It *almost* happened on its own. Well, actually, it did happen on its own... the doctor wanted me to turn around and sit for the birth, but I wasn't about to change positions... she had to deal with me upright facing away from her on the bed. That inner knowing took care of it all. I had begun to listen. I was in the position that was needed. My little daughter, however, had a bit of a rough start, and needed a little extra care at the beginning. I was somewhere else while they worked on her... my mind was trying to process the intensity of this birth that went from 5 cm to the birth of the baby in only a few contractions. I remember vaguely sitting on the bed staring off into space, idly playing with the umbilical cord that was still attached to the placenta within me while my baby was across the room being suctioned and stimulated. I didn't have the presence of mind to call her name or anything... something that probably would have helped her come into herself. My husband rushed in... he had been out checking on the other children, since I was only at 5 cm. His presence slowly brought me back to myself, and I began asking about the baby and talking to her.

The inner knowing was there... but was interrupted. By removing the baby away for treatment instead of treating her there with me, we both suffered. It took her several minutes to come into herself, and it took me almost as long to come back to myself. Only the presence of my husband pulled me back, then we both were able to communicate with our daughter and let her know it was okay to come into herself. We were there for her. It was okay.

Inner knowing. We all have it. We just need to learn to listen.