Perimenopause

I am experiencing fluctuations in my cycle now. It is inevitable... I'm on the far side of 45. I am still recording my temperatures every morning, watching the inevitable change that will happen.

It makes me profoundly sad.

Yeah, I know it is a normal part of life... I don't have a problem with that. I am profoundly sad that I will never feel another butterfly flutter inside. I am sad that I won't ever be able to see my belly grow and ripen with the progression of a baby. I am sad that I won't get kicked in the ribs again... from the inside. I am sad that I won't ever feel those overwhelming surges that propel that baby out of my uterus and into my arms. I am sad that I won't ever ease a baby out again and cuddle them, all covered in birth goo. I'll never see those newborn eyes staring into mine for the first time.

Pregnancy and childbirth has been a big part of how I defined myself as a person. I'm good at being pregnant. I'm good at giving birth. I'm good at nurturing babies. Who will I be now that I can't do that?

I admit that part of me is ready to move on... my youngest is almost three. I've been breastfeeding for more than 18 years. That part of me is ready to move from mother to wise woman. But so much of me is not. Guess this is just a part of the journey. I will let my instincts lead me through it, as I have learned to trust them through mothering.