Perimenopause

I am experiencing fluctuations in my cycle now. It is inevitable... I'm on the far side of 45. I am still recording my temperatures every morning, watching the inevitable change that will happen.

It makes me profoundly sad.

Yeah, I know it is a normal part of life... I don't have a problem with that. I am profoundly sad that I will never feel another butterfly flutter inside. I am sad that I won't ever be able to see my belly grow and ripen with the progression of a baby. I am sad that I won't get kicked in the ribs again... from the inside. I am sad that I won't ever feel those overwhelming surges that propel that baby out of my uterus and into my arms. I am sad that I won't ever ease a baby out again and cuddle them, all covered in birth goo. I'll never see those newborn eyes staring into mine for the first time.

Pregnancy and childbirth has been a big part of how I defined myself as a person. I'm good at being pregnant. I'm good at giving birth. I'm good at nurturing babies. Who will I be now that I can't do that?

I admit that part of me is ready to move on... my youngest is almost three. I've been breastfeeding for more than 18 years. That part of me is ready to move from mother to wise woman. But so much of me is not. Guess this is just a part of the journey. I will let my instincts lead me through it, as I have learned to trust them through mothering.

Change of Seasons

As we are preparing for winter (autumn just began, yet we are having freezing weather already)I am reminded of preparing for birth. We are blocking drafts and gathering in the last from the garden. When one prepares for birth one blocks fears and gathers their feelings in preparation. One must be prepared to meet the new baby... a new soul who is making their journey onto this plane with heart and mind open.

As pregnancy reaches its end, the ripeness of the body leads to the mind turning inward. Like summer ending, the plants must begin their journey inward to sleep through winter. A mother must turn inward so she can tune into the coming labor and the baby's arrival.

Once baby has arrived, she should be able to spend her time getting to know her baby. A cocoon should envelop them into a protected space while they get to know each other's rhythms and personalities. This is like closing yourself in for winter, secure against the storms that rage outside the door.

Protect yourself and your little one from the outside world for a while... spend those first few precious weeks together, locked away from the hustle and bustle of visitors, shopping and the world at large. Emerge together into the "spring" when you are ready.

High Risk

Hi. I'm high risk. If I walked into an OB's office today to get prenatal care, I would be pushed to the high risk category faster than I could say "homebirth." Why? Well, let me count the ways.

Age

At age 44, I am definitely an elderly candidate for motherhood. Somehow when I hit the magical age of 35 I transformed from a healthy young woman to an elderly mother who needs constant surveillance and testing.

Parity

I have eight children. That makes me not only a multip, but a GRAND multip. Everyone knows that our uteruses can only handle a couple of kids, so when you get one as experienced as mine is, it is time to pull out all the stops, because when that baby comes out, my uterus will be so old and tired that it won't clamp down and I'll bleed to death.

VBAC

Once upon a time, way back in the early 1990s, I had a cesarean. Never mind about those seven vaginal births I've had since then.... I've just been lucky.

Large Babies

OMG! I have a history of large babies! Let's see... out of 8 children, half have been over 9 lbs! In fact, the largest was 10 lbs 11 oz! Well, that should have been a cesarean... if I'd come into the hospital like a good little patient, I'm sure they would have taken better care of me and sliced me open right then and there. I must have had Gestational Diabetes to grow such large babies...

Hmmph.

I don't see what my age has to do with anything. If I'm young enough to still conceive, then I'm young enough to grow and birth my babies. I'm healthy and I take care of myself. As for being a grand multip... I'm darn proud of my kids! They are responsible, courteous and bright individuals. I know the symptoms to watch out for regarding hemorrhage and I know how to stop the bleeding. As for VBAC... shouldn't seven vaginal births prove my uterus can not only handle pregnancy and birth, but it is darn good at it! And as for large babies... none have had any problems associated with gestational diabetes or anything else due to their size. Oh, and I did get tested for GD in most of my pregnancies... nada. Zip. No sign of GD. So there.

Pregnant women should be treated as individuals, not lumped into categories for the simplistic reasons of age, parity, baby size and uterine surgery. Every one of us is different. While one person may need extra precautions, the next person of the same age doesn't necessarily need the same precautions.

Likewise, hospital births are not the perfect solution for all of us. We survived as a species this long... but since there are so many reasons to classify us as high risk, how much longer will we last?

New CafePress Store & Website

We're building our website: http://organic-birth.com! While it is still a work in progress, I welcome feedback!

And if you've admired any of the artwork I've featured here on my blog, I have a CafePress store now that I'm slowly adding my various pieces to. The link is http://www.cafepress.com/organicbirth if you want to check anything out.

If you have admired a certain artwork I've posted here that you don't see over there yet, drop me a line and I'll get it added faster.

Trusting Birth

What does trusting birth mean?

For some, it is a frightening thought. How could we possibly birth without doctors, nurses, surgical procedures, machines and hospitals? But if this is so, how did we get so far? Certainly we haven't always had access to cesareans, episiotomies, IVs and epidurals.

A mere 30 years ago, the cesarean rate was less than 10%. Now it is over 30%. We're still women. Our bodies haven't changed in 30 years. Why can't women successfully give birth today like our parents did?

The answer is that very few trust birth anymore. This is a terrible loss for humanity. We live in fear of a natural bodily function. We see it on television on reality birth shows. We hear it from our doctors who tell us that we are not capable of passing our babies through our pelvises without intervention. We hear from nurses that we won't be able to bear the pain. What else are women supposed to think?

Fortunately, some women are finding the light at the end of the tunnel. Some of us are spreading the word that birth is something we are built to do successfully. As my friend Karen Strange of Newborn Breath says, "Birth is designed to work in case no one is there."

I admit that nothing is perfect 100% of the time. Let's face it... what is? There will always be a very small percentage of births that do need that extra help... and that is what hospitals and obstetricians are for. They are designed to deal with the unusual situation. Normal birth is so boring for them they need to do interventions to make it interesting.

But for those of us who have a healthy pregnancy, all we need is to let our bodies do their thing. Pelvises spread to let babies out. Women who embrace labor and move as their body tells them to help their babies get in the right position to make their grand entrance.

Why do I trust birth? Because I've seen it work. I've lived it. I've done the labor dance and have been the first to touch my baby. I'm not a big person... yet I've birthed babies over ten pounds at home. I have embraced the pain, have felt the baby move from my belly and through my hips. It wasn't easy, but it was worth every minute. I have felt that delicious hormonal cocktail that floods a woman's body after the natural birth of a baby. Flooded with oxytocin and love for my newborn, I have experienced that incredible babymoon while getting to know this new little person.

Maybe my views are a little simplistic. I may not be quite as confident if I were the midwife in charge of someone else's birth. But maybe that is the point. Maybe we should take responsibility for ourselves. Even if we have an attendant, we should be able to make the decision to be responsible for the outcome. Maybe that is the real reason I trust birth. I'm okay with the responsibility.

Inner Knowing

Inner knowing. So many people discount that today. Yet you always hear after a plane crash or other disaster that people just *knew* something was going to happen, so they cancelled their ticket, or changed their plans. So many of us hear this little voice inside and discount its wisdom. Pretty soon, the little voice stops trying to get through to us, and we're left on our own to sink or swim.

So it is with birth. Deep within we know what to do. Our bodies know how to conceive a baby, grow a baby, and push out a baby. The baby knows what it needs to do to help itself be born. Yet again, so many of us don't listen. We hear horror stories, sign up for cesareans and epidurals... anything so we don't have to listen to our own body's wisdom.

We are told by the medical establishment that birth is dangerous. At any moment the baby could die. We could die. Come into the hospital and we'll make all the decisions for you. We'll poke you with needles, fill you with pitocin to create tetanic contractions that will send your baby into distress, which will be picked up by our electronic fetal monitors that send sound waves into your uterus to aggravate your baby. What, it hurts? We'll give you this nice epidural so you don't need to feel a thing. Nah... we PROMISE it won't hurt your baby. Now that your baby is in distress, we'll hasten his birth. If it will take too long for a vaginal birth, we'll just roll you into the OR and cut him out. If you get an infection, that's okay... we'll load you up with lots of antibiotics to try and clear it up.

Hmmmm. Sounds inviting, doesn't it? I've had four hospital births, and while all of them were not that extreme, the general theme was the same. If I had a valid reason for birthing there, that would be a different story, but I was a healthy pregnant woman with a healthy baby each time I went there. The first time, I got that lovely cesarean package. My precious baby was lifted out of me behind a drape and I didn't see her until my incision was almost completely repaired. Oh, and I got the bonus of having the epidural wear off AFTER they strapped me down to the OR table, but BEFORE the cesarean took place while they searched for the anesthesiologist. I don't remember anyone being in the room with me... if they were, they certainly didn't respond to my overwhelming urge to push while my legs were tied together and my arms were strapped down. My inner knowing was trying to kick in... and I was trying to listen... but was unable to.

My last hospital birth happened with my second daughter. No meds. Almost no doctor... she rushed in at the last moment when my doula screamed down the hall to the nurse that the baby was crowning. It *almost* happened on its own. Well, actually, it did happen on its own... the doctor wanted me to turn around and sit for the birth, but I wasn't about to change positions... she had to deal with me upright facing away from her on the bed. That inner knowing took care of it all. I had begun to listen. I was in the position that was needed. My little daughter, however, had a bit of a rough start, and needed a little extra care at the beginning. I was somewhere else while they worked on her... my mind was trying to process the intensity of this birth that went from 5 cm to the birth of the baby in only a few contractions. I remember vaguely sitting on the bed staring off into space, idly playing with the umbilical cord that was still attached to the placenta within me while my baby was across the room being suctioned and stimulated. I didn't have the presence of mind to call her name or anything... something that probably would have helped her come into herself. My husband rushed in... he had been out checking on the other children, since I was only at 5 cm. His presence slowly brought me back to myself, and I began asking about the baby and talking to her.

The inner knowing was there... but was interrupted. By removing the baby away for treatment instead of treating her there with me, we both suffered. It took her several minutes to come into herself, and it took me almost as long to come back to myself. Only the presence of my husband pulled me back, then we both were able to communicate with our daughter and let her know it was okay to come into herself. We were there for her. It was okay.

Inner knowing. We all have it. We just need to learn to listen.

The Trust Birth Conference

It is unfortunate that the Trust Birth Conference is over. It was incredible! To those of you who could not come, look for recordings of the sessions to become available in a few weeks at http://aamishop.com .

This conference will go down in history as the conference that really helped bring homebirth into the mainstream. With the release of "The Business of Being Born," more women are able to see this option and question some of the routine practices that dehumanize them in the hospital. This conference built upon that, with the theme: Birth is Safe; Interference is Risky.

Our keynote speaker, Dr. Michel Odent, talked about how disempowering the vocabulary surrounding birth, pregnancy and even genitalia is all about shame and putting the woman in a place of no power. Yet it is she who gives birth.

As women, we should not be delivered. We should be the ones who actively give birth. Birth is a cooperative effort between a mother and a baby. Doctors, nurses and even my beloved midwives should not interfere. If there is a problem, of course they are on hand if needed. Otherwise, they are but witnesses to the miracle of birth.

I learned so much at this conference. Not only about our histories, but how to let the body do its thing instinctually, how to allow the baby his or her part of the birth, and how to promote a woman's abilities to trust birth, her body and her baby.

I am the mother of 8 children. It took me awhile to discover these things and not fight them. It took me awhile to learn to listen to my body and to let it do the work it was designed to do. But I have learned this lesson, and you know what? It works!